:(

Hello lovelies

I went over my calorie count this weekend. I feel so ashamed of myself. I ate about 1,000 yesterday and about 1,5000 today.

I hate myself right now. Back to work tomorrow, and exercise, sooo much exercise.

I will not do this to myself ever again.

500 calories tomorrow. All or nothing. Thin or fat?

Sorry I'm rambling, feeling pretty delirious from my bingey fail weekend.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

ohhh myyyy goddd!

Weighed 172 this morning.

I'm so happy!

Thursday Blues

Hello lovelies

I ate 1000 calories yesterday so needless to say I decided I was far too fat and disgusting to even look at the scale today so I still don't know what my CW is.

Never mind, that was yesterday.

Here is some lovely thinspo.

Stay strong lovelies! We can get there.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

:)?

Hello lovelies.

So today went well I think. I ate:

4 rice cakes = 120

shapers chocolate = 81

vegetable stir fry = 400?

2 x coffee = 10

3 x tea = 30

hot chocolate = 40

= 681.

I'm sure that's wrong somehow because I don't feel hungry. Argggg I'm always so scared I've messed up counting my calories. Even though I've been doing this so damn long I know how to add for gods sake. Wep :(

So the food side of things seems to be going okay? I've been well under 1000 the past 2 days. My goal is to get down to eating 500 a day. By next monday I will, definitely. Eat less and less each day.

Get smaller and smaller and smaller.

and disappear forever.

Goodnight everyone.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

Hello Strangers.

Hello Lovelies.

I am so so sorry I've been gone for so long. Stuff got crazy and I couldn't come back here. I never forgot you.

I need to stop pretending that I can 'recover' and that I'm 'happy' in my 'body' because I'm not.

I'm fatter than ever because they got worried and I relaxed and now I'm 180lbs. I know how disgusted you are with me, I'm in shock myself. I dusted off my trusty scale after all this time and I'm the heaviest I've ever been.

So I'm starting anew. She's back in my head, screaming at the fat hanging from my bones. Crying at the sight of muscles snuggling under a duvet of blubber. She's back and she's stronger than ever. She's the one writing in my diary now, I haven't written anything in weeks.

She's back and she's so disappointed in me I can't bear it.

Today I ate 776 kcal.

Tomorrow I will eat 500 kcal.

Please comment me if you want me to follow you/ get back in touch. I've been out of the loop for so long I don't know who's still blogging, who's new, who's good... let me back in the loop :)

I've missed you all so much.

I've missed her so much.

This feels like home, I'm so grateful.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

I'm back.

Hello lovelies,

Sorry I've been gone for so long. Things have been complicated. I've been trying to eat healthily but it's just not working. I need Ana back in my life.

Here we go again.

Returning from the alps!

Hello lovelies!

Skiing was so much fun! I'm getting so much better, my trainer picked me to race for our Uni in one of the events! I was so fucking stoked :D It was wonderful.

Thanks for all the comments on all my recent posts, sorry I haven't gotten round to replying, my life is so so so busy right now but I promise in my next post I'll reply to you beautiful ladies :) I've missed you all!

I was down 5lbs when I got back from skiing which was awesome, except my mind hasn't accepted that I'm not doing 7 hours worth of exercise a day anymore. I've been eating like a pig for a week and now I'm too scared to weigh.

I'm becoming scared of food too. Don't get me wrong, I've had an ED for almost 3 years but I've never been afraid of food. I don't know why. I avoided it, binged on it, ate normally, ate nothing, but was never afraid. Now I'm afraid. Really fucking afraid. Every time I allow myself to eat something it turns into a binge. I can't just have a normal sized meal anymore, I keep going and it's scaring me.

Today for example, I ate greek yoghurt with banana for breakfast and decided to fast the rest of the day. I got hungry around 12pm but resisted until I couldn't concentrate on my work. I decided to allow myself half a sandwich so I could write my essay properly.

I make the sandwich and eat it.

Then 2 hot cross buns come out, I eat one while the other one is toasting.

Then a packet of crisps

Then 3 lines of galaxy chocolate.

Then I stop, have a freak out and continue to write my essay.

What the hell?? I've never had this before, I've heard of other people having this problem but I've never been like this. If I binge it's always kind of 'planned' you know? Never just mindless 'I'll have one sandwich.....nomonomnomnom on everything in sight' kind of...loss of control.

I'm scared to eat now, which is a good thing I guess because I'm huge.

I cut today as well. I've been trying so hard to stop but I swear this time is so much harder than last time.

I need some sleep.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx