Saturday, 16 April 2011

Returning from the alps!

Hello lovelies!

Skiing was so much fun! I'm getting so much better, my trainer picked me to race for our Uni in one of the events! I was so fucking stoked :D It was wonderful.
Thanks for all the comments on all my recent posts, sorry I haven't gotten round to replying, my life is so so so busy right now but I promise in my next post I'll reply to you beautiful ladies :) I've missed you all!

I was down 5lbs when I got back from skiing which was awesome, except my mind hasn't accepted that I'm not doing 7 hours worth of exercise a day anymore. I've been eating like a pig for a week and now I'm too scared to weigh.
I'm becoming scared of food too. Don't get me wrong, I've had an ED for almost 3 years but I've never been afraid of food. I don't know why. I avoided it, binged on it, ate normally, ate nothing, but was never afraid. Now I'm afraid. Really fucking afraid. Every time I allow myself to eat something it turns into a binge. I can't just have a normal sized meal anymore, I keep going and it's scaring me.
Today for example, I ate greek yoghurt with banana for breakfast and decided to fast the rest of the day. I got hungry around 12pm but resisted until I couldn't concentrate on my work. I decided to allow myself half a sandwich so I could write my essay properly.
I make the sandwich and eat it.
Then 2 hot cross buns come out, I eat one while the other one is toasting.
Then a packet of crisps
Then 3 lines of galaxy chocolate.

Then I stop, have a freak out and continue to write my essay.

What the hell?? I've never had this before, I've heard of other people having this problem but I've never been like this. If I binge it's always kind of 'planned' you know? Never just mindless 'I'll have one sandwich.....nomonomnomnom on everything in sight' kind of...loss of control.

I'm scared to eat now, which is a good thing I guess because I'm huge.

I cut today as well. I've been trying so hard to stop but I swear this time is so much harder than last time.
I need some sleep.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going into this painful stage... It really is the worst thing about the disorder: that intense fear of both food and yourself. But if you're strong enough (and i certainly believe you are) you can pull out of it just as quickly as you fell into it. *hugs and best wishes*

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  2. Binging sucks, but a good fast solves everything. I'd say if you want to do a fast, don't eat anything in the morning. That will only make you crave food for the rest of the day. Lots of love to you, girl.

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  3. Think thin!! I've had binging episodes myself and its not pretty. You just have to remind yourself how strong you are! :) Hang in there beautiful.

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