Wednesday, 30 March 2011

For my boyfriend and best friends.

Sometimes I want to scream and tell you everything, let it all spill out too rushed with bits missing, words blurred and inaudible.

But I can't. It's too much, too crazy.

You don't know what it's like to be able to use the word 'relapse'.

It sounds and feels like the word 'cunt' on my tongue.

I know if I don't talk I'll end up worse than I was before.

But I want to be worse than before.

I can't knock down these defenses I worked so hard to put up, I need you to.

They didn't fix me like they promised.

I don't know what to do.

I can't tell them because they won't understand.

That's why I am so grateful to have you guys <3 xx


  1. I felt a strange kind of happiness inside myself when I saw you had returned to blogger. As chessy as that sounds. But I always loved reading your blog. The way you write, it's as if your talking about me, the things you write are a lot of the things I feel but just can't express, you put those feelings into words.
    Anyway I'm glad your back.
    Enjoy you skiing holiday!

  2. *Hugs* I know that feeling all too well. I'm always telling my husband that ana never crosses my mind...but she does all the time and there's no fixing it. It's confusing and contradicting, and impossible to figure out what you want or need. Hang in there. You're not alone.