It's 1am and I'm wide awake. I've been thinking about how I never bring up my own problems or fears with my friends or boyfriend, and if I do I follow it with a nervous laugh. I've told my boyfriend I'm terrified about failing this year, just in the jokey format of 'If I manage to pass this year I'll shake my own hand! hahaha'....You know, that thing we do when we want to express something serious but don't really want to discuss it but we do but we don't but we do but we don't but we aarrrghhhhhhh!
I want to call my boyfriend and cry and tell him I'm not okay. I want to scream that I'm terrified that I'm going to fail my exams and that I'm falling right back into the pits of depression again. How can I tell him this when he still doesn't really know me? He doesn't know I've been cutting for 11 years - hell - he doesn't know I've ever cut. He doesn't know I have depression, how do you tell someone that? 'Hey, how're you? Good *kiss kiss* yeah well I'm not so good I thought I had control over my depression that I've been suffering with since I was 8 but after about 9 months of feeling fine it's all come crashing down around me and I just want to scream and cut and cry myself to sleep but I can't let anyone know what I'm going through but I want to tell you so badly. Oh and by the way I've had an eating disorder for 2 years but only now do I think it's 'peaking' if you will. Only now do I feel like I might actually get fucking skinny for once and I want you to worry and hold me...is that wrong? I don't know, I just feel fucking miserable. So yeah...that's how I feel today, do you want to go watch a film or something?'
We've only been together a month and a half so I really can't unleash my crazy on him yet.
He's made me more determined than ever to get thin though, for the simple reason that he's drop dead gorgeous. I see girls glare at me when we walk through town, my friends are jealous that I've got him and I'm determined to keep him! He's so lovely as well, just the perfect man really. He's tall, dark and handsome. He's got the perfect frame in my opinion, he's not skinny (hate that on guys) but he's flat, you know? Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, he's gorgeous and perfect and I'm a fat heffalump. I'm not seeing him until the end of the week and I'm determined to get my stomach a bit slimmer by then.
I want to be sliding size 10 jeans over my toned ass at the end of may. Hear that fat?! You're being EVICTED! Get the hell off my bones!
Sorry for the randomness of this post and the last one, it's been a weird time. My mood has been flying around between extremes. Extreme stress, extreme motivation, extreme happiness, extreme depression, extremely overwhelmed, calm, extreme stress....you get the idea.
Anyway, it's 1:06am now and I'm going to try and sleep but I have so much coffee in my system I doubt that'll happeeennnnn.
Good night skinny lovelies :)
Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xxx