For my boyfriend and best friends.

Sometimes I want to scream and tell you everything, let it all spill out too rushed with bits missing, words blurred and inaudible.

But I can't. It's too much, too crazy.

You don't know what it's like to be able to use the word 'relapse'.

It sounds and feels like the word 'cunt' on my tongue.

I know if I don't talk I'll end up worse than I was before.

But I want to be worse than before.

I can't knock down these defenses I worked so hard to put up, I need you to.

They didn't fix me like they promised.

I don't know what to do.

I can't tell them because they won't understand.

That's why I am so grateful to have you guys <3 xx

Hello lovelies.

I haven't been able to weigh myself since last time and this has made me suuuuper paranoid that I've gained.

I ate like a pig last week, but this week I've only been eating salads and yoghurts. I don't know if I'm in the 50's yet, but my stomach looks flatter, I can see my hip bones and my friend told me I was looking slimmer.

I still don't feel happy though.

I've had a really miserable day to be honest. I don't know why. My boyfriend stayed over last night and we had a lush time, but when he left I just kind of... deflated. I don't know why. I've been feeling all meh and miserable ever since. Really lethargic.

I haven't done any work today either so I'm gonna have a shower, make some coffee and power through until the early hours :)

I'm going skiing on Friday for 10 days and I normally loose on skiing holidays so fingers crossed ladies!

How are you all doing? :)

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

:D :D !!

Hello lovelies,

So I've been smiling like a goon all day, why?

I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks.

I never want to eat again, I never want to lose this high.

10lbs down, 34 to go...

My UGW seems more attainable now, I'm hoping to reach it by the end of May, and for the first time in my life, I think I might actually achieve it.

Thanks for reading.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

I got the 1am blues.

Hello lovelies.

It's 1am and I'm wide awake. I've been thinking about how I never bring up my own problems or fears with my friends or boyfriend, and if I do I follow it with a nervous laugh. I've told my boyfriend I'm terrified about failing this year, just in the jokey format of 'If I manage to pass this year I'll shake my own hand! hahaha'....You know, that thing we do when we want to express something serious but don't really want to discuss it but we do but we don't but we do but we don't but we aarrrghhhhhhh!

I want to call my boyfriend and cry and tell him I'm not okay. I want to scream that I'm terrified that I'm going to fail my exams and that I'm falling right back into the pits of depression again. How can I tell him this when he still doesn't really know me? He doesn't know I've been cutting for 11 years - hell - he doesn't know I've ever cut. He doesn't know I have depression, how do you tell someone that? 'Hey, how're you? Good *kiss kiss* yeah well I'm not so good I thought I had control over my depression that I've been suffering with since I was 8 but after about 9 months of feeling fine it's all come crashing down around me and I just want to scream and cut and cry myself to sleep but I can't let anyone know what I'm going through but I want to tell you so badly. Oh and by the way I've had an eating disorder for 2 years but only now do I think it's 'peaking' if you will. Only now do I feel like I might actually get fucking skinny for once and I want you to worry and hold me...is that wrong? I don't know, I just feel fucking miserable. So yeah...that's how I feel today, do you want to go watch a film or something?'

We've only been together a month and a half so I really can't unleash my crazy on him yet.

He's made me more determined than ever to get thin though, for the simple reason that he's drop dead gorgeous. I see girls glare at me when we walk through town, my friends are jealous that I've got him and I'm determined to keep him! He's so lovely as well, just the perfect man really. He's tall, dark and handsome. He's got the perfect frame in my opinion, he's not skinny (hate that on guys) but he's flat, you know? Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, he's gorgeous and perfect and I'm a fat heffalump. I'm not seeing him until the end of the week and I'm determined to get my stomach a bit slimmer by then.

I want to be sliding size 10 jeans over my toned ass at the end of may. Hear that fat?! You're being EVICTED! Get the hell off my bones!

Sorry for the randomness of this post and the last one, it's been a weird time. My mood has been flying around between extremes. Extreme stress, extreme motivation, extreme happiness, extreme depression, extremely overwhelmed, calm, extreme stress....you get the idea.

Anyway, it's 1:06am now and I'm going to try and sleep but I have so much coffee in my system I doubt that'll happeeennnnn.

Good night skinny lovelies :)

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xxx

Skinny Girl Diet

Hello Lovelies!

On friday I got my tongue pierced which has made eating incredibly difficult which I LOVE but has given me a lisp which I hate. At least the lisp will go with the swelling :)

I was going to weigh myself but I forgot to bring my damn scales to uni with me -_- I'm hoping I've lost, especially since I've been living on soup for the past 4 days.

I've also ordered 3 ana books, 2 of which have arrived :D I'm just starting 'Dairy of an Anorexic Girl' which I've heard is very triggering, just what I need!

In other news, I decided ABC was a bit to crazy for me just yet, I need to ease myself back into the swing of things. I've decided to start the Skinny Girl Diet (SGD) today as it's shorter and not quite as restrictive. So I'll be posting updates on that as I go along!

Todays limit was 400 calories. It's 4pm and I've reached my limit for the day so I'm going to write essays and get an early night to stop myself from getting tempted by dinner!

I hope everyone's okay! How about a bit of cheeky thinspo? ;)

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

The body behind the blog

Hello lovelies.

This is me, no more, no less.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

Do you remember me?

Hello lovelies.

I'm back after another cheeky fling with recovery. I thought everything was fine and I was getting better, but then I weighed myself after 2 months of 'recovery' and saw a number I've never seen before and never want to see again: 175lbs.

175 fucking pounds of fucking fat.

I literally felt sick when I saw what a mess I'd become, so I decided to spend the whole night flirting with my old friend razor blade. It felt so good to punish myself for my gluttony, but I realised I can't carry on dealing with failures like this. I need to deal with them by doing something about them.

So here I am again, asking for your forgiveness, apologising for my disappearance, hoping you'll welcome me back into this circle. I've missed you all so much - I'm back now for good, I promise.

I've decided to call this not a new start, but a new ending. I've had too many new starts and they've all ended in failure. This is my new ending, the beautiful ending I'm creating for myself. A beautiful, thin ending.

Now I'm fully settled back into uni life after my placement (placement = place of evil wherein I gained 10lbs) I figure, what better way to step towards my new, beautiful ending than with the ABC diet.

Week	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun
Week 1	500	500	300	400	100	200	300
Week 2	400	500	Fast	150	200	400	350
Week 3	250	200	Fast	200	100	Fast	300
Week 4	250	200	150	100	50	100	200
Week 5	200	300	800	Fast	250	350	450
Week 6	Fast	500	450	400	350	300	250
Week 7	200	200	250	200	300	200	150
Week 8	Fast	ABC ends.

I'm starting tomorrow with 500 cals. Does anyone want to join me? I've never done it before but I'm really excited to get back on track.

I missed you all so much, did I mention that? Hope you've all been okay and you'll have me back :)

I'll post again in a few days pinkie promise :)

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx