:(

Hello lovelies

I went over my calorie count this weekend. I feel so ashamed of myself. I ate about 1,000 yesterday and about 1,5000 today.

I hate myself right now. Back to work tomorrow, and exercise, sooo much exercise.

I will not do this to myself ever again.

500 calories tomorrow. All or nothing. Thin or fat?

Sorry I'm rambling, feeling pretty delirious from my bingey fail weekend.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

ohhh myyyy goddd!

Weighed 172 this morning.

I'm so happy!

Thursday Blues

Hello lovelies

I ate 1000 calories yesterday so needless to say I decided I was far too fat and disgusting to even look at the scale today so I still don't know what my CW is.

Never mind, that was yesterday.

Here is some lovely thinspo.

Stay strong lovelies! We can get there.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

:)?

Hello lovelies.

So today went well I think. I ate:

4 rice cakes = 120

shapers chocolate = 81

vegetable stir fry = 400?

2 x coffee = 10

3 x tea = 30

hot chocolate = 40

= 681.

I'm sure that's wrong somehow because I don't feel hungry. Argggg I'm always so scared I've messed up counting my calories. Even though I've been doing this so damn long I know how to add for gods sake. Wep :(

So the food side of things seems to be going okay? I've been well under 1000 the past 2 days. My goal is to get down to eating 500 a day. By next monday I will, definitely. Eat less and less each day.

Get smaller and smaller and smaller.

and disappear forever.

Goodnight everyone.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

Hello Strangers.

Hello Lovelies.

I am so so sorry I've been gone for so long. Stuff got crazy and I couldn't come back here. I never forgot you.

I need to stop pretending that I can 'recover' and that I'm 'happy' in my 'body' because I'm not.

I'm fatter than ever because they got worried and I relaxed and now I'm 180lbs. I know how disgusted you are with me, I'm in shock myself. I dusted off my trusty scale after all this time and I'm the heaviest I've ever been.

So I'm starting anew. She's back in my head, screaming at the fat hanging from my bones. Crying at the sight of muscles snuggling under a duvet of blubber. She's back and she's stronger than ever. She's the one writing in my diary now, I haven't written anything in weeks.

She's back and she's so disappointed in me I can't bear it.

Today I ate 776 kcal.

Tomorrow I will eat 500 kcal.

Please comment me if you want me to follow you/ get back in touch. I've been out of the loop for so long I don't know who's still blogging, who's new, who's good... let me back in the loop :)

I've missed you all so much.

I've missed her so much.

This feels like home, I'm so grateful.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

I'm back.

Hello lovelies,

Sorry I've been gone for so long. Things have been complicated. I've been trying to eat healthily but it's just not working. I need Ana back in my life.

Here we go again.

Returning from the alps!

Hello lovelies!

Skiing was so much fun! I'm getting so much better, my trainer picked me to race for our Uni in one of the events! I was so fucking stoked :D It was wonderful.

Thanks for all the comments on all my recent posts, sorry I haven't gotten round to replying, my life is so so so busy right now but I promise in my next post I'll reply to you beautiful ladies :) I've missed you all!

I was down 5lbs when I got back from skiing which was awesome, except my mind hasn't accepted that I'm not doing 7 hours worth of exercise a day anymore. I've been eating like a pig for a week and now I'm too scared to weigh.

I'm becoming scared of food too. Don't get me wrong, I've had an ED for almost 3 years but I've never been afraid of food. I don't know why. I avoided it, binged on it, ate normally, ate nothing, but was never afraid. Now I'm afraid. Really fucking afraid. Every time I allow myself to eat something it turns into a binge. I can't just have a normal sized meal anymore, I keep going and it's scaring me.

Today for example, I ate greek yoghurt with banana for breakfast and decided to fast the rest of the day. I got hungry around 12pm but resisted until I couldn't concentrate on my work. I decided to allow myself half a sandwich so I could write my essay properly.

I make the sandwich and eat it.

Then 2 hot cross buns come out, I eat one while the other one is toasting.

Then a packet of crisps

Then 3 lines of galaxy chocolate.

Then I stop, have a freak out and continue to write my essay.

What the hell?? I've never had this before, I've heard of other people having this problem but I've never been like this. If I binge it's always kind of 'planned' you know? Never just mindless 'I'll have one sandwich.....nomonomnomnom on everything in sight' kind of...loss of control.

I'm scared to eat now, which is a good thing I guess because I'm huge.

I cut today as well. I've been trying so hard to stop but I swear this time is so much harder than last time.

I need some sleep.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

For my boyfriend and best friends.

Sometimes I want to scream and tell you everything, let it all spill out too rushed with bits missing, words blurred and inaudible.

But I can't. It's too much, too crazy.

You don't know what it's like to be able to use the word 'relapse'.

It sounds and feels like the word 'cunt' on my tongue.

I know if I don't talk I'll end up worse than I was before.

But I want to be worse than before.

I can't knock down these defenses I worked so hard to put up, I need you to.

They didn't fix me like they promised.

I don't know what to do.

I can't tell them because they won't understand.

That's why I am so grateful to have you guys <3 xx

Hello lovelies.

I haven't been able to weigh myself since last time and this has made me suuuuper paranoid that I've gained.

I ate like a pig last week, but this week I've only been eating salads and yoghurts. I don't know if I'm in the 50's yet, but my stomach looks flatter, I can see my hip bones and my friend told me I was looking slimmer.

I still don't feel happy though.

I've had a really miserable day to be honest. I don't know why. My boyfriend stayed over last night and we had a lush time, but when he left I just kind of... deflated. I don't know why. I've been feeling all meh and miserable ever since. Really lethargic.

I haven't done any work today either so I'm gonna have a shower, make some coffee and power through until the early hours :)

I'm going skiing on Friday for 10 days and I normally loose on skiing holidays so fingers crossed ladies!

How are you all doing? :)

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

:D :D !!

Hello lovelies,

So I've been smiling like a goon all day, why?

I lost 10lbs in 2 weeks.

I never want to eat again, I never want to lose this high.

10lbs down, 34 to go...

My UGW seems more attainable now, I'm hoping to reach it by the end of May, and for the first time in my life, I think I might actually achieve it.

Thanks for reading.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

I got the 1am blues.

Hello lovelies.

It's 1am and I'm wide awake. I've been thinking about how I never bring up my own problems or fears with my friends or boyfriend, and if I do I follow it with a nervous laugh. I've told my boyfriend I'm terrified about failing this year, just in the jokey format of 'If I manage to pass this year I'll shake my own hand! hahaha'....You know, that thing we do when we want to express something serious but don't really want to discuss it but we do but we don't but we do but we don't but we aarrrghhhhhhh!

I want to call my boyfriend and cry and tell him I'm not okay. I want to scream that I'm terrified that I'm going to fail my exams and that I'm falling right back into the pits of depression again. How can I tell him this when he still doesn't really know me? He doesn't know I've been cutting for 11 years - hell - he doesn't know I've ever cut. He doesn't know I have depression, how do you tell someone that? 'Hey, how're you? Good *kiss kiss* yeah well I'm not so good I thought I had control over my depression that I've been suffering with since I was 8 but after about 9 months of feeling fine it's all come crashing down around me and I just want to scream and cut and cry myself to sleep but I can't let anyone know what I'm going through but I want to tell you so badly. Oh and by the way I've had an eating disorder for 2 years but only now do I think it's 'peaking' if you will. Only now do I feel like I might actually get fucking skinny for once and I want you to worry and hold me...is that wrong? I don't know, I just feel fucking miserable. So yeah...that's how I feel today, do you want to go watch a film or something?'

We've only been together a month and a half so I really can't unleash my crazy on him yet.

He's made me more determined than ever to get thin though, for the simple reason that he's drop dead gorgeous. I see girls glare at me when we walk through town, my friends are jealous that I've got him and I'm determined to keep him! He's so lovely as well, just the perfect man really. He's tall, dark and handsome. He's got the perfect frame in my opinion, he's not skinny (hate that on guys) but he's flat, you know? Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, he's gorgeous and perfect and I'm a fat heffalump. I'm not seeing him until the end of the week and I'm determined to get my stomach a bit slimmer by then.

I want to be sliding size 10 jeans over my toned ass at the end of may. Hear that fat?! You're being EVICTED! Get the hell off my bones!

Sorry for the randomness of this post and the last one, it's been a weird time. My mood has been flying around between extremes. Extreme stress, extreme motivation, extreme happiness, extreme depression, extremely overwhelmed, calm, extreme stress....you get the idea.

Anyway, it's 1:06am now and I'm going to try and sleep but I have so much coffee in my system I doubt that'll happeeennnnn.

Good night skinny lovelies :)

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xxx

Skinny Girl Diet

Hello Lovelies!

On friday I got my tongue pierced which has made eating incredibly difficult which I LOVE but has given me a lisp which I hate. At least the lisp will go with the swelling :)

I was going to weigh myself but I forgot to bring my damn scales to uni with me -_- I'm hoping I've lost, especially since I've been living on soup for the past 4 days.

I've also ordered 3 ana books, 2 of which have arrived :D I'm just starting 'Dairy of an Anorexic Girl' which I've heard is very triggering, just what I need!

In other news, I decided ABC was a bit to crazy for me just yet, I need to ease myself back into the swing of things. I've decided to start the Skinny Girl Diet (SGD) today as it's shorter and not quite as restrictive. So I'll be posting updates on that as I go along!

Todays limit was 400 calories. It's 4pm and I've reached my limit for the day so I'm going to write essays and get an early night to stop myself from getting tempted by dinner!

I hope everyone's okay! How about a bit of cheeky thinspo? ;)

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

The body behind the blog

Hello lovelies.

This is me, no more, no less.

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

Do you remember me?

Hello lovelies.

I'm back after another cheeky fling with recovery. I thought everything was fine and I was getting better, but then I weighed myself after 2 months of 'recovery' and saw a number I've never seen before and never want to see again: 175lbs.

175 fucking pounds of fucking fat.

I literally felt sick when I saw what a mess I'd become, so I decided to spend the whole night flirting with my old friend razor blade. It felt so good to punish myself for my gluttony, but I realised I can't carry on dealing with failures like this. I need to deal with them by doing something about them.

So here I am again, asking for your forgiveness, apologising for my disappearance, hoping you'll welcome me back into this circle. I've missed you all so much - I'm back now for good, I promise.

I've decided to call this not a new start, but a new ending. I've had too many new starts and they've all ended in failure. This is my new ending, the beautiful ending I'm creating for myself. A beautiful, thin ending.

Now I'm fully settled back into uni life after my placement (placement = place of evil wherein I gained 10lbs) I figure, what better way to step towards my new, beautiful ending than with the ABC diet.

Week	Mon	Tues	Wed	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun
Week 1	500	500	300	400	100	200	300
Week 2	400	500	Fast	150	200	400	350
Week 3	250	200	Fast	200	100	Fast	300
Week 4	250	200	150	100	50	100	200
Week 5	200	300	800	Fast	250	350	450
Week 6	Fast	500	450	400	350	300	250
Week 7	200	200	250	200	300	200	150
Week 8	Fast	ABC ends.

I'm starting tomorrow with 500 cals. Does anyone want to join me? I've never done it before but I'm really excited to get back on track.

I missed you all so much, did I mention that? Hope you've all been okay and you'll have me back :)

I'll post again in a few days pinkie promise :)

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx

No one knows the full story.

Hello lovelies.

I'm having a bit of an...I don't want to say epiphany but that's all I can describe it as. I've been thinking a lot lately about why and how I fell into this world, the world of ED. There hasn't been a direct trigger that has thrown me face first into this state of mind. I've had potential triggers, if that makes sense. I've had a fair few moments of trauma in my life which, should they had been directly followed by an ED I would understand but...they haven't. I did start cutting as a direct result of something. That I understand. But this? Seemingly out of the blue? That I don't.

I stopped cutting about 2 years ago. It was so hard. It was like voluntarily shutting out a friend who knows exactly what to say to make you feel better, who has all the right words, all the right emotions, all the right blades. I'm wondering if I've subconsciously switched coping mechanisms. I used to cut when things went wrong, even little things, even nothing sometimes. I just found it comforting, like snuggling up under a blanket where nothing could hurt me. Nothing could hurt me except me, and I did just that.

Is it possible that after almost a year of mental stability that I've fallen back? Is it possible that, without any direct trigger, I need my security blanket again? I can't use the old security blanket though, people recognize that one from when I curled up under it before. If I dug it out of the attic they'd know exactly what I was doing. I needed a new blanket that no one would suspect, and I got one. A brand-spanking new security blanket under which no one knows what I am doing. They just see a blanket, it's like my own secret world. My new friend.

Did you ever sit up in bed and pull the duvet over your head and read or write or just be? No one knew what you were doing under there except you. Little do they know we're not reading or writing anymore, we're striving for something much more evident, something much more beautiful.

We're all just writing under our duvets, we're all huddled under our security blankets.

Why were we chosen? Why do we have to cope in such destructive ways? Why can't we just call up our friends and cry while eating ice cream? Why do we hide our sadness? Why can't we just talk about it? To someone, anyone...

My problem now is, I'm feeling colder. I think I might need another blanket. I'm telling you, you're the only one who understands, you know that? It's difficult being so happy go lucky all the time. It's hard, it's all so hard. I don't want to break. Don't let me get the old blanket down, please don't.

I can't cope on my own. I can't.

I'm sorry for all this..

Rydw i'n caru ti, Kiki xx